Heading Back...

On Wednesday of this week myself, Kan and Miyako are scheduled to fly back to Tokyo. It has been a grueling decision for us, as you can imagine, but we feel like the Lord is leading us back there to have this next baby and go from there. For those of you who know me, you know that I am a planner. I hate to feel out of control. And ever since this earthquake, that is exactly where I have been - out of control. I have felt out of control emotionally, physically and spiritually. I have never been in a place where I have been so dependent upon the Lord before, and to be quite honest, I have not always depended on Him for the past two and a half weeks. This decision is a heavy decision for us. In some ways, we think "better to be safe than sorry" and stay here in the US to have this baby. In some ways we think "just send Kan back" and then he can return a week before we are due, but let's be honest people - do I really want to be separated from my husband after enduring the largest earthquake in Japan separated from each other? No. Then there is the side of you, the little voice that says, "God can use you there to reach people, to encourage people, to support people." The Japanese people are hurting. It is a dark country spiritually with about .8% of the population claiming to be Christians. Are Kan and I "missionaries" paid by the church? No. But we are believers, saved by grace, and we hear this small voice reminding us that God has us there for a reason. Let's not forget the logistical reasons of going back - a job (kind of hard to sell when you are 7000 miles away from your customers), my doctor and insurance, our home is there...you get the point. There really is no black and white answer here so it comes down to a step of faith. It is not like where the Bible says "Do not get drunk" and you go out and get drunk...clearly a black and white issue. Sadly I have not found a verse that says, "Kan and Shari, you need to stay in the US" or "You need to go back to Japan." I wish it was written on a billboard as I drive around New Circle Road. But it isn't, so it comes down to a step of faith.

Here are the things I do know - God is faithful to His children. If for some reason He does not want us going back, we will not be on that plane on Wednesday. God knows - He has ordained all of this. He was not surprised by this earthquake. He was not surprised by the fact that I am 35 weeks pregnant as we make this decision. Nothing is slipping by Him. Another thing I know - my husband loves Jesus. And for that I am so grateful. In my state of hormones lately, I feel completely incapable of making such a huge decision for our family. I have seen my husband love me so much in the past couple of weeks - our communication has gotten so much better, our sensitivity to one another has increased, and boy does he love me and his kiddos. And has he said tonight in the car, we will get through this together.

Do we know what will happen with the nuclear power plant next week, next month, next year? No. Do we know when we will move back to the US? No. Do we know what we will eat for dinner the first night we are back in Tokyo? No. But, we do know who is over all of this, who is leading us, and who we can trust when all things seem to be crumbling around us. My personality bucks up against this - I want to be able to say, "Yes, we are going back but we plan to move back to the US in December of 2011." But I cannot do that. God has stripped this from me and is forcing me to live day to day. It is not easy, and I spend a lot of time fighting it, but it is where we are at.

Our visit has been fabulous. I will blog more about that once I get back to Tokyo. I have seen a lot of people and have felt very loved. I still have several more phone calls to make before we head back on Wednesday. I hope to get them all in. But if I don't, please forgive me. It has been a bit of a whirlwind, but so so worth it.

My thoughts are a bit scrambled, but that is ok...this too is where I am at. Your prayers are appreciated. Specifically, please pray for our travel back to Tokyo on Wednesday. Pray also for grace as we recover from jet lag, after just having gotten through it just a few days ago. Continue to pray for Japan as a country and for those suffering so much. Pray also for the nuclear issues to get under control. And pray for God's peace to transcend our family's hearts and minds as we take this leap of faith.